Cleaning House...Again

This week I have been doing some house cleaning. I met with my sponsor to restart the steps. During my first year in AA, I reached Step 4 the and then stalled out. Sure, I’ve been going to meetings for two and half years and I’ve soaked up a lot of wisdom so I’m really great at telling others what they should be doing to improve their lives. Now I’m getting down to the real work so I can stop telling people what they need to do and start cleaning up my side of the street for a change.

We spent a lot of time going over my current situation and how I am handling it and, as it turns out, I had underestimated the amount of work I need done on myself.

Before we sat down together on Wednesday, I had called her a few times because I needed help interacting with Mr. Sticks. Yes, it has come down to that: When it comes to my husband, I have no clue as to what is the next right thing to do or say. Everything I say or do ignites a firestorm. Using restraint to not react and instead picking up the phone and calling the sponsor has been a very enlightening experience. And not in a pleasant way at all. I am realizing just how much I explode when confronted. Having to hold that in and compose myself so I can call a middle-aged suburban housewife (whom I am just getting to know) and ask for help requires a lot of effort.

So back to Wednesday, she really shed light on just how hard I am on myself and how tightly wound up I am. She related a lot of things to how she was when she first came into the rooms. She, like me, comes from a long line of screamers. One would never know this, as she is a very calm, together person.

"I'm so sensitive. I hate being constantly criticized."

"You're not as sensitive as you tell yourself you are. If you were, you wouldn't have stayed with him. Being sensitive is one of those lies we tell ourselves when we get up in the morning. Try telling yourself you are not so sensitive."

We then discussed how one of my biggest issues is that I’m stuck in a loop of wanting to please Mr. Sticks in order to restore peace. In some cases I am trying to do things he is expecting of me and not getting proper or any recognition for it and it is causing resentment. I am also not doing things he is demanding I do and feeling conflicted—is my rebellion making matters worse for the family or causing me stress while I wait for the other shoe to drop when he reacts?

She proposed I stop all of this nonsense. She said I need to stop trying to figure out what he wants and start doing what makes me comfortable. I’ve heard this before, but this message has had trouble penetrating my very thick cranium. It is a hard concept for me to grasp because I’ve been indoctrinated in people-pleasing. People-pleasing was my way of compromising. If I just did what I wanted for me all of the time, I’d be selfish, I’d bring nothing to the table for anyone else, I’d be unlovable. But she reminded me how I had told her that Mr. Sticks was in a rage with me and not speaking to me for days, that I had pleaded with him to tell me what he wanted from me and that I had no idea what he expected of me and he refused to answer me.

“He doesn’t know what he wants. That’s why he can’t tell you. He doesn’t know.” And then she added, “Let’s find out what you need to do to be comfortable. Don’t worry about him. It’s not your job anymore.”

I asked her about all of the obligations I felt I had to fulfill.

“Do you want to do any of them?”

“Not now, not like this.”

“Then don’t. You don’t have to do anything unless you want to.”

“And he isn’t speaking to me right now.”

“Great. Enjoy the quiet moments,” she said. “And remember what I said. Wear life like a loose garment.”

So it’s been a few days and I have stuck to everything we discussed and let me tell you, it has been such a relief. And just as I was getting used to the quiet, Mr. Sticks started speaking to me again. Am I relieved that he has? To be honest, I was really starting to enjoy the quiet moments.

But for now the house has been conflict free for days.